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Oi, mate, it’s Loki here—yep, *that* Loki, smug mischief god, “I am burdened with glorious purpose,” and today I’m your dodgy accountant, tallyin’ up the chaos of erotic-massage! Picture this: me, sittin’ in me dark Asgardian lair, watchin’ *White Material*—Claire Denis, 2009, pure genius—thinkin’ how it’s all about control slippin’ away, like oil through yer fingers, yeah? That’s erotic-massage for ya—slippery, wild, untamed. “The plantation’s my home,” Maria says in the flick, all fierce, and I’m like, mate, erotic-massage is *my* plantation—messy, risky, but I own it!

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Then, around noon, the beach gets packed. I’m talkin’ shoulder-to-shoulder, like sardines in a can. I can’t even see the sand anymore! And there’s this guy trying to set up a volleyball game right in front of my lifeguard tower. I’m like, “Dude, really? You wanna play volleyball where I gotta keep an eye on the water?” But he just shrugs and starts spiking the ball.